Stuff I don't get.
I have yet to read a reasonable explanation that makes ANY sort of logical sense from those parents who BAN HARRY POTTER books and movies because they're so chock-full of THE DEVIL STUFF: sorcery and witchcraft and evil...when those same parents welcome Disney with open arms.
Like...Sleeping Beauty - you know, with Maleficent and magic spinning wheels and those silly little fairies.
Or Cinderella - you know, with a fairy godmother wielding her magic wand and turning veggies and farm animals into other stuffs. Not to mention talking mice.
And Snow White, where murder is the main theme.
Or like Aladdin, with the magic carpets and wish-granting genies and evil Grand Vizier.
And take the Little Mermaid - sixteen WHOLE YEARS OLD giving up her voice to a spellcasting octopus, while her dad carries a giant magic fork.
We can't forget Peter Pan, with the sewing on of shadows, the magic dust (PCP? DRUGS THAT MAKE YOU THINK YOU CAN FLY!), nasty little vicious Tinkerbell, murdering mermaids...
And let us not forget Beauty and the Beast, where an enchantress turned everyone into mundane objects...except for that giant, hairy, bloodthirsty beastie.
And that's a fraction of the list.
GOOD SENSE. You should get some, it's nice.
Labels: people suck, stuff I don't get, stuff that makes me laugh, why I hate people
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Just call me Mother Fail.
Look up "hands-off" parenting in the dictionary, and you'll see my picture.I wasn't made for motherhood.
My womb doesn't give a throb when I see someone's crinkly, red-faced, screaming new baby. Holding someone's (usually smelly and/or loud and/or irritating) baby doesn't make me long for another one of my own - not even for one single solitary second. I don't CARE how much they weighed at birth, how long they were, how loudly they cried.
You can tell me if you want, but three seconds later it's as if you never mentioned it - the stats are gone from my mind.
Seriously, I have much better uses for my memory storage capacity, like the fact that Erwin Rommel was known as The Desert Fox or obscure movie quotes from movies nobody but me has ever seen ("I'll curse if I WANT to curse! DAMN DAMN HELL DAMN TEE-TEE DOO-DOO!") or that Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
You know. The important stuff.
Ask me about my kids' milestones. How old was my daughter when she took her first steps?
Um. I'm not sure. She was little.
First words? Uh...
Did I write it in the baby book? Maybe, but I'm not really sure exactly where the baby books are. I'm sure they're around here somewhere. In the house. Probably.
Honestly it's a wonder they're not feral.
Or maybe they are...my daughter certainly learned to forage at an early age. She was around 3 or 4 when I woke up one morning and went into the kitchen - and the refrigerator door was wide open, there were two open jars (one grape jelly, one Miracle Whip) on the floor with the lids off, and a butter knife.
My daughter said to me (okay, so clearly this means she was talking and walking at age three-ish/four-ish) "I was hungry so I made a mandayse sandwich and a jelly sandwich. Josh didn't want any." (let me just point out here that Joshua is non-verbal, yet she always claimed to know what he wanted. Probably she was right)
Same age, one morning she brought me breakfast in bed -- a piece of chocolate cake.
I asked her how she got such a nice piece of cake by herself, and she said, "Wiv a butter knife but I was berry careful."
I took this to mean I no longer had to prepare her meals and could turn over the cooking to her capable little (wee tiny) hands.
I do love sandwiches and cake, you know.
As soon as she was tall enough to (climb on a stepstool and) reach the washing machine controls, she learned to do laundry as well. Except for that one incident with the candy and bubblegum left in a pocket, I've never regretted that decision.
When she was learning her numbers, I figured that it's never too early to learn how to play Texas Hold 'Em. IT WAS PURELY IN AN EDUCATIONAL CAPACITY. Plus we played for M&Ms and I loves me some M&Ms.
And really, who DOESN'T use liquid Tylenol to teach their kid how to do shots? IT IS A LIFE SKILL.
And so what if I talked her into taking a bite of a dog biscuit that one time? She was always pretending to be a wolf anyway. Plus also dog biscuits are totally edible for people. IT WAS LIFE-SAVING INFORMATION SO THAT SHE WOULD NEVER STARVE.
Oh okay, I guess I have to be a little more hands-on for Joshua, since he is like a baby and can't do anything for himself. Probably it's one of those disguised blessings, since I would have failed more miserably if I'd had to chase both of them.
And he does shake hands when you say "How do you do?" SO THERE.
But despite my best efforts to ruin them, my kids have actually turned out better than most - and I say that in a purely I-don't-really-like-kids unbiased way.
And in case you were planning to call DHS, I should tell you that they're over 18 now so HA HA HA.
*disclaimer: this is totally about ME ONLY, so if you're one of the women who love to have babies and be surrounded by children and love having even more - more power to you. Some of my friends have 5 or more children and they excel at it. I'm just not one of you.
Labels: kids, single parenting, stuff that makes me laugh
Posted by Shannon akaMonty @ 1:52 PM
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Me Thinks
Some days I wish I could just say "Hey, if everyone could just paypal me $5, that'd be great. Thanks."I'm only half-way kidding on that first thing.
Instead of saying, "Do bears shit in the woods?" from now on I'm going to say, "Does Neptune shit in the ocean?" because I am a trendsetter like that.
Sometimes when you remove yourself - or at least step back from - a situation, you can see personalities and traits much more clearly. And they don't always show in a good light.
My truest friends are the ones who continue to try to scratch the surface, no matter how many times I reinforce the barriers.
I once thought of being a real writer, only I find writing dialogue TOO too tedious. Also I have no knack for it - I write the most boring conversations ever.
If you're going to pretend to talk on your cell phone like you're King Shit of Turd Mountain, you should remember to set your ringer to 'vibrate' in case someone actually calls.
It's not fear of committment, it's survival instinct.
If I ask you questions and you ignore them, how are you then surprised when I stop bothering to ask? I'm not going to waste my time.
Related to ^^: Just because I don't ask doesn't mean I don't care.
One of my biggest pet peeves is being ignored, or left out, or unacknowledged. YES I KNOW IT IS A SELF-ESTEEM ISSUE. It makes me irrational.
Related to ^^: There are many, many things that make me irrational.
Some things are only douchey when YOU do them. Because some people just have the knack for being douchetastic.
I get more annoyed with smart people who post stupid, ignorant, un-fact-checked nonsense on facebook than I do when ... smarts-challenged people do it.
Grumpy Cat makes me happy.
There are at least 3 people in the world who should be extremely happy that head-stabbing is against the law. And also that I am scared of prison.
I like to watch Chopped or Iron Chef when I am eating, so I can pretend my bacon is braised pork belly or I can call my home-made bacon bits "lardons" in a haughty manner, the way certain people I know insist on calling green beans "haricots vert".
Labels: make that $, stuff I hate, stuff I like, stuff that makes me laugh, stuff that sucks
Posted by Shannon akaMonty @ 12:24 PM
Monday, February 25, 2013
Insomnia
HEY! Guess what I was doing at 3am? Go ahead. Guess.I can give you a hint: It was NOT SLEEPING.
Ugh.
I guess it doesn't really count as insomnia though, since I woke up sick yesterday morning and spent a large part of the day abed (Troy and ABED in the MORNING!)(you will only get that if you watch Community)(shut it, it's weird what your thinks are when you have no sleep), being dozy and heavy-headed and heavy-eyed.
So at 3am I was...
eating a salad.
Actually it *might* have been more like a bowl of croutons with ranch dressing, with a couple of romaine leaves tossed in for form's sake.
And I tried to read myself to sleep, said an extra-long prayer because often I fall asleep doing that very thing, and then here comes 4:30 am and I'm all OKAY I GUESS I WILL JUST STAY UP BECAUSE I HAVE TO GET UP IN AN HOUR AND A HALF ANYWAY OMG.
So of course I immediately felt extremely sleepy after that and dozed off for about 2 minutes before the stupid alarm sounded.
Can anyone tell me how long this hormonal rampage lasts before menopause is over?
Getting old SUCKS MY ASS.
The end.
Labels: stuff I hate, stuff that sucks
Posted by Shannon akaMonty @ 7:14 AM
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Reflections
Aaaah Valentine's Day.That love-fest of a day in which I snuggle on the couch
by myselfand watch romantic comedies like My Bloody Valentine (the original one from 1981!) and eat chocolateswhich I stole from my kids, who actually got Valentine candyand drinka whole bottle or maybe two ofwine.And I reflect upon past Valentine's Days...
...like the one where I was dating that clown I met online.
No, seriously, like a real clown. With the makeup smile and big pants. And MAGIC TRICKS, like pulling a quarter out of my... ear.
And BALLOON ANIMALS! Actually he did make me a cute balloon thingy for Valentine's Day, it was two little balloon lovebirds surrounded by a big balloon
cageheart.And NO, he did not wear the clown makeup on our dates.
Except that one time. But we don't talk about that.
...and the one where Valentine's Day came WAY too soon after we just started dating, and I didn't know what to do. I mean it was only like our 3rd date - I got him a card (a funny one, of course, no mush)...then I panicked. Do I have to get him a GIFT? And what do I get him? Plus also THIRD DATE! That's like the sex date, right? So ... do I get him a box of Trojans and wrap it up in sparkly heart paper with a card that says "Guess who's gettin' lucky tonight!"? Do I vajazzle? Stick a red bow down my pants?
I ended up giving him a tiny stuffed "heart" bear with candy hearts attached to it...that I had actually bought for MY SON.
OMG.
I'm embarrassed just thinking about it.
On the other hand, he bought me a really nice gift basket with bath stuff and lotion. So clearly he thought I needed to smell like something called Moonlight Way (which frankly reminded me of
cat peejuniper bushes).I don't know why I'm still single, do you? I KNOW, I AM SUCH THE CATCH!
But then I always finish the night thinking about the BEST Valentine's Day, which was sad and sweet and scary and excellent all at the same time.
Valentine's Day 1995.
The day I first laid eyes on my children.
You see, they were born on Feb 13, the day before V-Day. They were 3 and a half months premature (which, if you read yesterday's annual birthday post, you already knew - and if you didn't read it, what the hell is wrong with you? Scroll down when you're done here)...and I wasn't allowed to go from my hospital (University Hospital) to Children's Hospital (where the NICU was) until the next day.
Of course I was so full of morphine I barely noticed. (also? HOORAY FOR MORPHINE! ♥)
Valentine's Day I was wheeled through a series of connecting tunnels and hallways to the Big Scary NICU, where I had to scrub my hands and arms for 10 minutes before I could even go in and still wasn't even allowed to touch them, except to cup my hand over their bottom & legs - which wasn't even a handful.
And there were these two beds with hot bright lights over them - sort of looked like where they keep the burgers warm at McDonald's, you know the metal thing with the heat light? Like that.
And there were these two red, scrawny, ugly, spider-monkey-looking babies with folded down ears (!!!) and covered in tape and tubes and wires and IVs and O! they were beautiful and scary and pitiful and hurting and painful to look at and my heart broke and bled and loved.
Given less than 50% chance to live, they turned 18 years old yesterday.
Best. Valentine. Present. EVER.
Labels: all you need is love, dating sucks, kids, single parenting, stuff that makes me laugh
Posted by Shannon akaMonty @ 7:19 AM
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
All Growed Up.
stupid asssnot facecondescendingnurse (actually I love nurses in general, but this one? NOT SO MUCH) had me lay on a gurney for an hour and then said that I was fine, no fluid was "leaking" (I know, gross), and the pains in my back and belly were just muscles stretching, NOT CONTRACTIONS...and then she tried to send us home.So it was like Twins Two Ways, with extra Mommy Staples.
This is also where I discovered my love of morphine.
Thank you for this little miracle....(my girl at about 2 months)
Their hearts were overworked, their lungs were and are covered in scar tissue, they are cursed with keloid scars as well as scars from perc lines and central lines and a million little junkie scars on arms and feet from being pricked with lancets every hour. They have scarred veins, they had damaging bleeding in their brains, preventing brain growth. And yet...
One morning I discovered that my daughter knew how to climb into her brother's crib.
Josh had the softest, wispiest hair so I let it grow and grow... until that time I gave him a buzz-cut and he's been sporting a Greg Brady WhiteBoy 'Fro ever since. IT IS OUT OF CONTROL.
If all the world was a beach, I would love you more than all the grains of sand added together. Times ten million.
Happy, happy 18th birthday.
Labels: all you need is love, birthday, happy fun time, kids, single parenting
Posted by Shannon akaMonty @ 6:47 AM
Tuesday, January 08, 2013
Two things.
1. HALP. My blog is broken! The comment service I used to use is defunct. It has ceased to be. It is dead (I'm not dead yet! - OH YES YOU ARE). Can someone please help me find/install a new blog service or at the very least put blogger.com comments back on this custom template? Because I am DUM.(P.S. EMAIL ME since clearly you can't leave a comment. Doy.)
2. I have always said I'd NEVER (no never!) have advertisements on my blog but seriously I don't think it counts if I'm advertising my family business. Right? RIGHT?
So please, please, please, go to one of these sites and SPEND SPEND SPEND!
For reals we've got some awesome DESIGNER CLOTHES (lots of them are NEW! WITH! TAGS!) for low low (super)low prices.
Check 'em out.
Then bookmark them for later, because new stuff is added every week!!
Also? You'll be putting food on the table for my kids and who wouldn't feel good about that??
So GO FORTH and SHOP.
My Bargain Couture
LaurenFashions
More Bargains from dnlrobinson
Labels: adverts, bizniz, family, make that $, SELLSELLSELL, stuff I like
Posted by Shannon akaMonty @ 12:48 PM